Chaos

...two years since I stopped believing in God.
...almost a year since I lost one of my best friends.
...a week since I lost any sense of who I was.

But there's only one of those things I want back. I have so much to say to so many people but I can barely move. I can barely think.

Perhaps it's because speaking things like this aloud is admitting them, realizing that they're real. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid of people's reactions. Or perhaps it's because I just don't trust anyone. I don't trust myself either.

So allow me to say the things I need to say, to no one, because it's not as though I can say them to the people I wish could hear.

#1: You say you don't want to because we're not even dating, you barely know me. Well, it's not as though you want to date me or know me. So stop pretending that this is a favor to me, because it isn't. Maybe it's because you'd like to place yourself higher morally, but that's not for me, now is it? Your wishes? Fine, they're yours. But stop trying to hide behind concern for me, because that's not what it is at all. If you really gave a shit about me, maybe you'd want to know me. But you don't care. You don't want to get to know me, you don't want anything to do with me unless it's a secret. You just go around and make me feel small, naive, inferior. And then you ignore me. If fucking around is all this is, so be it. I mean it when I say I'm perfectly all right with that. But stop pretending that I'm not letting you make it into something else. Stop keeping me in this limbo, because I've had it with guys who won't just be straight with me. But I'll give you what you claim you want anyway:
First off, I like my music, and I'm attached to it. I feel connected to it, and it means more to me than just something fun to listen to. So shut the fuck up about it. Your taste in music is awful and basically just "whatever's on the radio," so stop belittling something I care about because you don't feel the same way.
I've got a thing for words. I write a lot. I read. I care about things that you probably don't. Drinking isn't my thing, I happen to like having my wits about me, I'm more comfortable that way, I enjoy myself more. You, however, like me better when you're drunk. I'm not sure what that says. I also play piano, and yeah, I care about my grades. I'm not the type of person that's got all of these plans for the future, most of my plans don't extend beyond tomorrow. But I don't spend much time in the past either. If I want something, I go for it as soon as it's obtainable. But I'm stubborn, I don't quit at something I know I can do (or think, at least). I'm an adrenaline junkie. I'm intensely afraid of spiders and dentists. I'd rather stay in and spend time with one person than go out and party. I like rainy days and the autumn. I couldn't live anywhere where it's always sunny. I have obsessive compulsive tendencies, anxiety, and clinical depression. But that's mine to deal with. When I'm angry, upset, or just feeling restless, I sleep. For months at a time I'll barely sleep at all without taking a pill for it. I've got a vivid imagination and put myself into situations I've never been in (and likely never will be) and I do so in such a way that it changes my perspective on everything. I think in verses and passages when I'm feeling a certain way. I pace when I'm thinking, unless there's a swing set nearby. I dance, not that I'm very good at it. I've got a strong will and a lot of ambition but I still don't know exactly what to do with either. I don't take anything at face value, but I don't dwell on insignificant things (see: high school drama). I either get straight to the point without bullshit or dance around it endlessly. I'm so sarcastic it's practically illegal.
Now you know me.

I'd finish this, but I have to go explain to my mother why I can't work tonight.